I find myself a little numb at the moment. This is strange and I know this. I think it is my survival mode – I put the emotions in compartments in my brain.
Today I am once again sat waiting at a hospital whilst someone I love is fighting for his life. The doctors very kindly for 2 days have kept asking myself and Ian if we are ok, have we got any questions, would we like a tour of ICU so we don’t get a surprise there; We are as ok as we can be, no more questions as our lists have already been ticked off and no we don’t really need a tour of the ICU as we know it very well….too well.
It is the first day since Oscar died where I must not allow myself to think too much about him. The compartments gets muddled up and I lose focus. Surely no one loses both their son and husband to cancer this cruelly? No child loses their dad and their brother like that? And so we are back to my biggest fear; my children, my boys having to live through more cruelty and me having to navigate them through it, but this time without my rock? Lets park this one in the top secret department and lock it up well!
So now I am currently going through the different scenarios that may happen today and in my mind picturing my responses to these – effectively picking out my emotions and reactions from the correct compartments ready to use. There are a few different outcomes available today. In a few hours I will know what kind of tears I will be crying.
So here we go again, I am giving up control to a brilliant medical team that will do everything they can for the love of my life, the most amazing dad to our children and I am hoping my tears will be of relief and joy.