A New Year

It is 2016, and I can no longer say “my son died last year” – I didn’t know that something like that would upset me, but it has. He died in May 2014 but I still have his memory so vividly playing in my mind and I am suddenly, with the start of a new year, reminded of how long Oscar has been gone from this earth for. I have no idea how to continue yet another year without him. Will the start of a new year continue to baffle me or will this also become my new normal?

We spent New Year’s Eve with close friends and kids this year after a lovely family time in Denmark at Christmas. Our friends very cleverly and thoughtfully turned the start of New Year’s Eve into a small surprise birthday celebration for me as it was the first time they’d seen me since I turned 40 on Christmas Day. I never cease to be amazed by the people surrounding us. There is no handbook to how you help parents who have lost a child so I am pretty sure they are having to make it all up as they go along.

It was still a tough evening and one during which I would go and spend time with Milo. Sitting in a dark quiet room (music in the distant background) looking at a sleeping baby is bound to get anyone contemplating life and I am no different. I thought of Oscar and all the life he enjoyed and I promised myself and him that I would take him with me everywhere I go. I am not afraid to admit that there are times I give up and let go – just for little moments at a time.

It is in those moments I am thankfully always reminded of Oscar’s strength and character, and if I didn’t have this I’d always be down. He deserves that I keep standing up and fighting. He deserves always, that I and everyone else remember his happiness in life. I will undoubtedly keep the tears flowing for the rest of my life, but Oscar will be defined by happiness, not tears, and by achievements and celebrations, not sadness.

Give it all you’ve got, cause’ you’ve really got a lot, give it heart, give it soul, give it mind – don’t stop. This is what Oscar used to sing and what I will soon be singing as I have decided to challenge myself and make Oscar proud this year through various sporting events for our charity. We haven’t finished yet – we will keep fighting for all the other children out there and for Oscar himself. Oscar’s story does not end…..