I have been nervous for about six months now – this little life I have been feeling inside me would be joining our family, but it is a broken family. No amount of pushing for new happiness can repair the loss we feel. Is it unfair to an innocent beautiful baby to come into this. And how would Oscar feel? Yes, I know it sounds silly, but I still wonder if Oscar knew what we were doing, would it upset him, make him happy, is it fair to him? And therein lies the nervousness and uncertainty. Because how do you bring another child into this world whilst still grieving and missing your dead child?
Turns out you just do. As with everything else in our life our family chooses to just do and get on with it, something I am immensely proud of. You see this is most definitely in Oscar’s spirit. Oscar was spectacular in his approach to life: just keep going, don’t question everything, give it all you’ve got.
So it is with indescribable pleasure and joy we welcomed our baby boy into this world last month. He may have entered a somewhat broken family, but he will learn with the rest of us to take pleasure and joy in all that he can, whilst trying to deal with the rest of us handling the overwhelming sadness of a boy who would once again have taken on the big brother role with his magical smile.
Our little Milo is missing out on the beautiful experience of having Oscar sing to him, make jokes with him, play spaceships with him, teach him football and tennis and so much more. But he has his other brothers and us. We are Oscar’s family and we will keep being who we are, keep pushing for a joyful life and it turns out that nothing can make nervousness and fear disappear like a cuddle and a look into a newborn baby’s eyes.