My grandmother died this Christmas. She had a peaceful death and had just been, as she had always been, surrounded by love from family and friends. This was the “right way” of things – we are born, we live, love, perhaps create more family, live and love some more and then we die. We are missed by the people we leave behind but with a long life behind us this feels the natural order of things for all and the pain is a measure of love and although it overwhelms us and however difficult, it does not destroy us; We know somewhere along the way that this is the way it is supposed to be and that we can bear this pain.
The pain I feel daily is getting harder to bear for me. It is affecting my body and my mind. I have only just accepted this. I have been playing with the idea of having reflexology for months now but I know from before how powerful it can be for me to let go of my shield and so I kept putting it off.
Over the past year I have had to stay a little stronger than usual – Ian has been seriously ill to the point where I was probably going to lose him. And it wasn’t just me that was going to lose him, it was the children; they have already lost so much – their carefree childhood, their brother and undeniably a bit of themselves and parts of their mother and father. There is no pretending we are the same as we were before. Ian and I have both become a little more hot tempered – my theory is that it comes from trying so hard to be sane and keep control that when things go wrong the ripple effects feels like our world is falling apart again and thus we react to this, taking it out on the mundane everyday life. How ridiculous; getting cross over a bit of clothes not put away, a tit for tat over who cleans up more, who looks after the house, the kids etc etc. I mean, we should know better, right? But fact is the reaction to some of these ridiculously irrelevant things are bigger than need be because our energy levels are low – our balance is so easily tipped as we walk this thin line over a valley of emotions. We don’t argue really, we just point out frustrations and then move on, but we do it angrily. And it is confusing to others that we can get so angry and yet show no emotion afterwards, but it’s because it’s just an outlet for a few moments about something that we actually have no interest in, the outlet is the important therapy for us. As you can imagine we are great fun to be around!
Back to my reflexology; as expected after a year of fighting for Ian and watching Ian fighting for life and for the pleasure of staying with us, my body is shot. I hardly made it on the couch before tears started streaming out. My lovely reflexologist only had to say a few kind words to me and there I was – therapy and foot massage in one go! I don’t really cry with friends and I don’t talk about Oscar in any other way than in connection with the charity or through fond memories so this was a much needed release.
To be fair I have had to shield up over the past year to get through and I made a silent agreement with myself & Oscar when Ian went in for his major operation that it was ok if I concentrated a bit on Ian and the boys and maybe pushed Oscar to the back of my mind for a bit – this is probably also why I haven’t written a blog for a long time. Writing about how I still miss Oscar and the effect on my life when my life is also fully consumed with trying to be there for Ian and the boys through more devastation has just been impossible. I find that I am not superwoman……you may laugh at this but I kind of thought I was.
I thought I was rocking this doing the charity, looking after my husband and kids, honouring Oscar, working –I am really not rocking much these days. And I am constantly feeling guilty; I mean we all know that we have to look after ourselves to be able to look after others, but who in their right mind wouldn’t feel guilty doing that whilst watching someone they love struggle to just walk up the stairs? You kind of don’t go “But I need….” And yet I have started that, so now I get to feel guilty for doing stuff for myself and frustrated when I can’t and it’s all me – Ian doesn’t even say a word. In fact he thinks I should go skiing, running and do stuff for myself. And I will, it is part kind of a woman thing and part born out of my circumstances, so I just have to work through that – it’s just that circumstances do seem to keep hitting me.
Well, I am starting with taking Ian away to see the Northern Lights – something he & I have always dreamed of. And I get to have time alone with him, something I crave. The boys get to spend time with their grandparents which they love so we are all good on that one. After that, I plan to sign up to do Vasaloppet cross country skiing 90km in 2019 – so I have to look after my body and mind.
I imagine Oscar watching me and all I really want is for him and his brothers to be proud and at peace with who I am and to know that they always have been and always will be safe & loved with me and their dad – that I know, I can only deliver if I and both of us look after ourselves.