Happy 12th birthday

Tomorrow my beautiful boy would have been 12 years old……I’ve got a picture in my mind of how I think he would have looked. I can’t believe he is not here, next to me & Ian and next to his brothers. The world seems an evil place tonight. Tonight I won’t pretend I can manage. I will go to bed and cry all night and there will be no talking of how lucky I was to have him or how wonderful a life he did have in the 9 years he was here. There will just be a black hole of hurt and pain where nothing makes sense and I will allow the question of why to stand. I will ask it again and again knowing I will never get an answer and certainly knowing that there could be no answer justifying ending my beautiful boys life. Tonight is a dark vicious night. And tomorrow we will get up and take his brothers out and we will be together and try and make it a good day, but we will all know that it won’t and can’t be. It will be one more day without Oscar that he should have enjoyed, one where he should have been excited about family and a birthday party with his friends and his presents. Oscar’s last normal birthday was his 7th – On his 8th he was ill and a few days later we got his diagnosis and on his 9th he was going through treatment and unbeknown to us had potentially already relapsed. I can’t remember what we did for his 7th birthday, but I sure hope it was good.